I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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