Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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