If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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