smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
the gays at disneyland are vicious
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
