Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
