I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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