We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You ruined the universe
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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