if you like me you must not know who I am
Please, let me fuck your mom
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
