Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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