I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
