Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
