I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
