My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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