it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
