Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
