I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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