I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
