My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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