I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
