Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
