I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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