my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
