I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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