i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
