Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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