so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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