my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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