Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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