Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he just fucked me for my cheese..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
