If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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