Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
