Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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