I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Still dying that you shit outside
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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