I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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