broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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