You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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