Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
