Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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