remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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