So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
