I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
