Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
