he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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