hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
