Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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