I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize
