it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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