I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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