if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
