First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
